Relationship, relationship, relationship.  This is something that I’ve heard so many times in youth ministry.  There is no tool more important in middle school ministry than relationship.  But relationship is just that --a tool.  This whole idea that relationship is a tool for ministry was put into simple words for me by my old Sr. Pastor, Ray Barrett, when he said, “All ministry happens in the context of relationship.”  I love this statement because it deals with the importance of relationship in ministry, but it also deals with the idea that relationship is not the ends to the means; it is a means (a very important means) to an end.

I’ve used a visual story to explain our ministry and the idea that relationship is an important means to an end.  I draw on a chalk board a cross, a wagon, and a bunch of little stick youth.  The stick youth see, get on board the wagon, and buckle in for the ride of a lifetime, which is moving towards the cross.  The cross is our ends – God’s love and truth, the wagon is the ministry, the motion of the wagon is spiritual growth, the buckles are the relationships that keep the kids stuck to the wagon, and the little stick youth are… well, the youth.

As the youth check out the middle school ministry, they start to get interested and have fun.  Once they are around having fun they get to be known by the volunteers and the regular youth, and relationships start to happen.  Mark Yaconelli, in his book Contemplative Youth Ministry said, “To be contemplatively present to young people also means to listen.  It means opening our ears to the words and feelings youth speak.”  Through those listening and feeling relationships God’s love and truth are exposed to the youth, and they are affected by it.

I’ve used and trained three key ideas that are important in developing key relationships with middle school teens.  These are not the only ways to develop relationships, but I believe they certainly will help anyone working with middle schoolers.

1)     Know their first names – I am stunned by how many adults who work with middle school youth don’t know their youth’s names.  I can’t think of anything more important to middle school youth than their names.  Middle school youth are so affected by self-image, and to have a caring adult come up and say, “Hi Sarah!” is huge to them.  I remember an email I got from a parent who copied an IM message he found of his son.  Here is what it said:  (These are fake IM addresses.)

“Johnnykewl202 - I really like youth group

Samm2ballyou – why is that?

Johnnykewl202 – I don’t know it’s just cool

Samm2ballyou – yea but there are a lot of cool places to go to

Johnnykewl202 – yea I guess but at youth group they know my name”

2)     Be around – A perfect story of this just happened a month ago.  We have a carpet ball game that the middle schoolers love to play.  We don’t let the kids play it during youth group times.  One of our boys was out playing with a new youth volunteer during youth group.  I shared with both of them that they can’t be playing carpet ball during youth group hours.  They stopped and went into the bathroom, and I didn’t think about it much after that.  A couple days later I got a chance to talk with the youth leader, and he shared with me what happened after I left.

He said to the boy, “Dude, do you know what just happened?”

The boy said, “Yea, Pastor Mark stopped us from playing together.”

The leader said, “No, we just got busted, together.”

That young boy almost always asks for the youth leader he got “busted” with.  The youth leader was around, and that boy knew it, wanted it, and got it.

3)     The money tool – If anyone has a ministry to middle school youth, they need volunteers to help impact them.  Those volunteers need tools to help do that impacting.  One of the tools a healthy ministry should have available to their volunteers is money.  In our ministry we set aside money just for the volunteers to use to develop relationship with the youth.  A good example of this was when a young man from the group was going through some really hard times at home.   He wanted to do something with a key male volunteer.  The male volunteer had the time to spend with the young man but really couldn’t afford to take him out even for a lunch.  It was so exciting for me to hand the volunteer money to use to impact this young man.  Now the young man has been taking on leadership roles in our group.  The money is just a tool for the volunteers to use to make these relationship times happen, and it works.

Middle school ministry is a critical piece of any ministry that wants to impact this world with God’s love and truth.  Relationships must take place for that impact to happen.  These three key ideas:  know their first names, be around, and the money tool can be helpful to implement those relationships better.  --Use them and see for yourself.

(Mark E. Eades is the Middle School pastor at New Covenant Bible Church in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.  He can be reached by email at mark.eades@newcovenantbible.org)